| Jul. 25th, 2006 @ 03:37 pm (no subject) |
|---|
I just re-read this entire blog. I'm not quite sure what to make of it. Since it pretty much mirrors my conversations with my friends... no wonder everyone's concerned about Jeff. (Oh, and to bring everyone up to date about VeganDate, he's now seeing other people. I don't think I handled it terribly well, but he doesn't seem hurt. At least he was gracious when he said goodbye and that I should look him up if my situation changes. I sincerely hope he finds his basheret soon; he's a good man.)
Jeff stopped by the office last evening with some sandwiches and to talk. He and I really communicate a lot better in person than over the phone. The way he puts it, 80% of all communication is non-verbal. Then we lose a little extra due to poor cell phone connections. Then we lose still more due to his ADHD (apparently it's ADHD and not ADD) which gets worse when he's excited (like during a fight). If we were married, most of our communication would be in person, so things wouldn't be so bad.
BestFriend pointed out that when Jeff and I are in the same room together... I just get overwhelmed by the physical presence of this man who loves me and is paying LOTS of attention to me. It makes it hard to be objective. Still, I shouldn't discount how important his affection-- adoration-- is. I once tried to convince myself to marry a man who seemed to be pretty good on paper, but didn't love me. It didn't work. I can't live without love. It felt like someone poured ice water down my blouse every time I thought about marrying him, about waking up every morning next to this man who was nice enough, but no more than that.
IsraelFriend thinks that Jeff isn't really compromising on anything. He's just giving me time to adjust to his way of doing things. I guess that's true to some extent. I want to become orthodox and that means adjusting to a lot of new ways... a lot of his ways. But I signed on for that much when I joined Frumster. He has given up the idea of moving to Monsey, though. And we actually found a synagogue we both liked last shabbos. So he's trying, I think.
Jeff says that what really matters is our character. We don't get nasty when we fight. We don't try to hurt each other. We WANT the other person to understand our positions. He thinks that anything can be worked out if we can (eventually) talk it out like rational adults. Take, for example, our ongoing argument about finances. He's coming from the point of view of a 36 year old man who makes just under $12/hr and has literally nothing. I am 32 years old with a comfortable career as a programmer, my own townhouse, and have been saving for retirement since I was 18 (thanks to my father's insistence). I pointed out that if he married me, he'd be entering my financial world and I expected to be right most of the time on financial matters. I have, forgive my arrogance, a fairly decent track record in these matters. He agreed to that, but thought that it would take him a couple of years to adjust to my way of thinking. For him, in his worldview, knowing that one student loan payment would drop off in ten years (leaving him an extra $100-some a month) is more important than consolidating and getting a lower interest rate that would save money over the life of the loan. In my worldview, the lower interest rate is obviously more important.
BestFriend is concerned that Jeff and I fight... and then a day or two later Jeff will usually come up with an explanation or a compromise that I find reasonable. He thinks that Jeff might just be telling me what I want to hear. It's possible... but Jeff seems so open and honest. He's so earnest in his belief that we're right for each other and that anything is possible. And I love that earnestness, that desire to see me smile and make me laugh. It's no small thing.
And G-d knows I'm not exactly a prize myself. |
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
ahuva_thinks's journal
complacent
thoughtful
nauseated
worried
crazy
cranky