ahuva_thinks

new blog

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 22:37:30 GMT

Folks, I'm blogging again. If you're interested, please visit anotherbt2.blogspot.com

Five Years

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 15:05:11 GMT

I originally posted this as a comment to something thisgirliknow wrote.

September 11, 2001-- I was at work in Maryland. Someone told us and we all crowded into a conference room where they'd set up a television. I sat there, stunned, for two hours. Then I went home and called everyone I thought might have been in NY or in DC. I insisted that BestFriend leave work and spend the rest of the day with me. I think he and I might have been trying to date back then. I just remember him holding me while I cried.

For the next three years, I'd hold a flag raising ceremony and raise a new flag in tribute. I still have all the old flags.

Now, five years later, I couldn't listen to the radio this morning because 9/11 still makes me cry.

It's raining here. It's like the whole world is crying for September 11. When it stops raining, I'll put up a new flag. It's time I started doing that again.

anger

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 21:01:53 GMT

Okay, I know I shouldn't let someone get under my skin but... F YOU. How DARE you accuse me of minimizing death. I have FAMILY in this war. I have FRIENDS in harms way. I am PERFECTLY aware of the horrors of death.

Damn Hizbullah for forcing civilians to be human shields anyway. Please G-d keep as many innocents (on both sides) as safe as possible.

People and their assumptions. Sigh.

Sorry about that, folks. I feel better now.

Tue, 25 Jul 2006 19:39:24 GMT

I just re-read this entire blog. I'm not quite sure what to make of it. Since it pretty much mirrors my conversations with my friends... no wonder everyone's concerned about Jeff. (Oh, and to bring everyone up to date about VeganDate, he's now seeing other people. I don't think I handled it terribly well, but he doesn't seem hurt. At least he was gracious when he said goodbye and that I should look him up if my situation changes. I sincerely hope he finds his basheret soon; he's a good man.)

Jeff stopped by the office last evening with some sandwiches and to talk. He and I really communicate a lot better in person than over the phone. The way he puts it, 80% of all communication is non-verbal. Then we lose a little extra due to poor cell phone connections. Then we lose still more due to his ADHD (apparently it's ADHD and not ADD) which gets worse when he's excited (like during a fight). If we were married, most of our communication would be in person, so things wouldn't be so bad.

BestFriend pointed out that when Jeff and I are in the same room together... I just get overwhelmed by the physical presence of this man who loves me and is paying LOTS of attention to me. It makes it hard to be objective. Still, I shouldn't discount how important his affection-- adoration-- is. I once tried to convince myself to marry a man who seemed to be pretty good on paper, but didn't love me. It didn't work. I can't live without love. It felt like someone poured ice water down my blouse every time I thought about marrying him, about waking up every morning next to this man who was nice enough, but no more than that.

IsraelFriend thinks that Jeff isn't really compromising on anything. He's just giving me time to adjust to his way of doing things. I guess that's true to some extent. I want to become orthodox and that means adjusting to a lot of new ways... a lot of his ways. But I signed on for that much when I joined Frumster. He has given up the idea of moving to Monsey, though. And we actually found a synagogue we both liked last shabbos. So he's trying, I think.

Jeff says that what really matters is our character. We don't get nasty when we fight. We don't try to hurt each other. We WANT the other person to understand our positions. He thinks that anything can be worked out if we can (eventually) talk it out like rational adults. Take, for example, our ongoing argument about finances. He's coming from the point of view of a 36 year old man who makes just under $12/hr and has literally nothing. I am 32 years old with a comfortable career as a programmer, my own townhouse, and have been saving for retirement since I was 18 (thanks to my father's insistence). I pointed out that if he married me, he'd be entering my financial world and I expected to be right most of the time on financial matters. I have, forgive my arrogance, a fairly decent track record in these matters. He agreed to that, but thought that it would take him a couple of years to adjust to my way of thinking. For him, in his worldview, knowing that one student loan payment would drop off in ten years (leaving him an extra $100-some a month) is more important than consolidating and getting a lower interest rate that would save money over the life of the loan. In my worldview, the lower interest rate is obviously more important.

BestFriend is concerned that Jeff and I fight... and then a day or two later Jeff will usually come up with an explanation or a compromise that I find reasonable. He thinks that Jeff might just be telling me what I want to hear. It's possible... but Jeff seems so open and honest. He's so earnest in his belief that we're right for each other and that anything is possible. And I love that earnestness, that desire to see me smile and make me laugh. It's no small thing.

And G-d knows I'm not exactly a prize myself.

vampires

Thu, 06 Jul 2006 15:52:34 GMT

I visited the vampire (Red Cross) yesterday. They weren't terribly gentle (and I have bad veins). Unfortunately, I didn't get a whole lot of rest afterwords (Jeff picked me up at the donor center and took me to dinner). This morning, while getting ready for work, my arm started bleeding again and I got dizzy. I can't afford to take today off of work, so I'm logging in from the local Borders. I was a little afraid to deal with DC traffic when I'm weak/sluggish.

I've ordered DSL so I can work from the comfort of my couch, but it's not here yet. I've heard awful things about Verizon, but $15/month is so tempting that I just had to give them a try. The only alternatives are Earthlink (about $40/month) or a cable modem ($60/month since I don't have cable). And none of it is tax-deductible. </whine>

I still haven't done my taxes for the year. I've been amazingly disorganized and can't find all my charitable contributes-- so I got an extension and have been trying to find my paperwork. Maybe that's what I'll do this Sunday. I could really use my refund...

Jeff and I started talking last night about credit ratings. Apparently his is really bad. Not quite bankruptcy bad, but close. Enough so that if things work out between us (right now I'm giving it a 50-50 chance) that he'd want me to buy "our" house in my name before we got married. Which I hadn't figured into my plans at all... I tend to plan out possible scenarios for anything and everything financial. Getting my house ready to sell will take a lot of time and energy. I hadn't considered doing that and planning a wedding at the same time. Oh well, as FloridaFriend would say-- I have a LONG way to go before I need to start obsessing about things like that.

You know, the one good thing about these awful chairs at Borders is that they're getting me to sit up straight. I need to work on my posture.

Color me Clueless

Tue, 27 Jun 2006 18:00:09 GMT

J: "How was your day?"
A: "Oh, I was moody this morning... I felt like a piece of meat on a hook."

J's face falls.
Oh sh*t.

A: "Oh, honey. It was just me. It didn't have anything to do with you. Really."

If I only had a brain...

But we had a really nice date. A very PUBLIC date-- pizza and window shopping at the mall. Window shopping engagement rings. Oh well, it made him significantly happier. I told him very explicitly that it's just "fantasy realm" as far as I'm concerned. I feel better about him and us every day, but I'm far from ready to make things permanent. Hence the stupid "meat on a hook" emotings. I wouldn't feel that way if I was sure he was "The One," right? Anyway... he dropped me off at my front door and watched from his car to make sure I got inside safely. I felt very respected and treasured, and fell asleep with a smile on my face (and my cat purring at my feet).

I have a lot of body image issues. On one hand, I want him to think I'm pretty. On the other hand, I do NOT want to look attractive. Beautiful women aren't respected. Unattractive women aren't desired (and I keep going back and forth if I think that's a good or bad thing). Yes, I know neither of those statements are true, but I still feel them in the back of my thoughts.

Most of my previous relationship have consisted of some combination of men trying to use me... and my using them in return. It's difficult to even know what a normal, healthy relationship is anymore. I'm not sure that I really know how I'm supposed to think, feel, or react. One of the things I really like about shomer negia is that it seems to be almost an insta-cure for all the cheap/whore mental garbage that has plagued past relationships. He can't sleep with me, therefore he has to respect me. Or at least respect Judaism.... Or something.

Okay... Mantra for today: Of course he respects me. I'm a good person and worthy of respect. (repeat until it sounds convincing)

A lot of good things have come out of my past. I'm a stronger person. I'm a more compassionate person. But there are moments when I wish I could just selectively apply an eraser to about 10 years of my life.

Accepting oneself

Mon, 26 Jun 2006 14:48:56 GMT

I really don't feel very good about myself right now. I've made some awful decisions and feel like I've set myself back to where I was when I was 20. I was pretty messed up at 20.

I know that I'm supposed to accept who and what I am. I'm supposed to repair the mistakes that can be fixed, repent the ones that can't, and move on.

There's only one person who knows what's going through my head right now... and it's not Jeff.

This weekend was supposed to be so wonderful... I got to see BestFriend for the first time in a month. Jeff met WorkFriend and her husband. I met Jeff's oldest friend and his wife. His friends loved me and my friends approve of him.

And now I feel like a piece of meat swinging on a hook.

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 20:51:00 GMT

Wow... That's pretty close to how I see myself...

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a wanderer. You constantly long for a new adventure, challenge, or eve a completely different life.

You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds.

You believe that people see you as a bit small and insignificant. People pay more attention to you than you think.

Your near future is a lot like the present, and as far as you're concerned, that's a very good thing.

For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 17:30:47 GMT

Dear Ahuva,

At its core, the longish letter I've been trying to write to you really just says one thing: I like and care for you a lot, and that I believe that us building a loving family together is very plausible, and I would like very much to make it happen. Further discussion is required of course, but I feel that we can figure this out fairly smoothly and rapidly. What do you think/feel?
Hopefully we can talk tonight.

Fondly,

VeganDate

----
How on EARTH do I handle this one?????????????????????????????????????????????

hair dye

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 15:03:51 GMT

Well, my hair is now various pretty colors. It also smells, itches, and doesn't feel as soft as it used to. Does the smelliness and itchiness go away????? (whimper)

Men

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 20:21:43 GMT

I'd last seen VeganDate about two months ago. We hadn't really talked for about a month before that. He wasn't particularly happy with the relationship (we'd both started seeing other people in that month), so I gave the "Let's just be friends speech" and that was that. Right? Of course not. Apparently I do a very strong and noble rendition of "Let's just be friends" and really impressed him. Or he wasn't finding anyone who interested him on Frumster. (He did tell me about a vegan lady on the other side of the country, but I'm guessing finances helped scuttle that one. Tickets out west are expensive. Or maybe he just decided I was more promising.) So, about a month ago he started calling me. He's a fascinating, intelligent man; I like talking to him. I also really like Philly, so I didn't see any problem when he asked me to spend shabbos in Philly with him. Jeff knew where I was going and who I was planning on seeing. He didn't seem concerned about it.

So, this weekend VeganDate decided that he wanted to start going out with me again. Yes, he knows about Jeff. He knows that Jeff is interested in marrying me. He knows my concerns about Jeff. Maybe he's less worried about how I'm progressing religiously because if I'm good enough for a frum man with hassidic tendencies.... Aarraag.

I didn't tell VeganDate that there was no chance. It's hard for me to say never. I told him my concerns and that I thought a relationship between us was unlikely to be successful. I honestly don't think I can make him happy. And I don't think I can be comfortable with a man whose love for me hinges on the food I eat. He did say that my health was more important-- but I'm not sure what horrible things would have to happen to me before he became convinced that I couldn't be healthy as a raw foodist. He also throws out scary things like saying that he can tell I eat an unhealthy diet by looking at me... there's a "certain fullness" in my face and a lack of a "healthy glow." Let's just put aside the fact that my skin is better than his (something he admitted when I pointed it out). And that I carry a whopping 130 pounds on my 5'6" frame. (What, does he think a size 6 is too zaftig??)

BestFriend thinks that VeganDate has fallen for some imaginary version of me. Either that, or he's decided that I'm good enough. Or something. The train was really late, so I suggested we grab a beer at the bar. Once the alcohol kicked in (apparently one beer is plenty for him), he started saying all kinds of things I had really wanted to hear... talking about compromise and shalom bayis... all things that would have made a big difference to me two months ago (if he had said them when he wasn't tipsy). I also never really thought he was all that attracted to me. Apparently that was incorrect as well. He nearly hugged me. I had to walk away. He NEVER would have permitted that if it wasn't for the beer and would have been very angry with himself for breaking shomer negia.

So now I feel terribly guilty. A friendship just isn't going to happen. If you put aside those tipsy moments, nothing has really changed. He and I are different people who want different things. AND I AM INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE ELSE. Will I marry Jeff? I don't know. But if I end things with Jeff (or he ends them with me), it will be because things aren't working out between us-- not because someone better happened along.

Jeff called me this morning and I told him everything and asked him if I was in the wrong or leading VeganDate on. Jeff asked some very specific questions about what I did and did not say, and what VeganDate and I did or did not do. To his credit, he didn't get upset and never once used the word "cheating" (although I suspect he was relieved to hear that there hadn't been any physical contact except when VeganDate accidentally brushed against me when he sat down on the bus). I really admire the way he tried to detach himself from his position of Boyfriend and address the issue as if I were just a friend coming to him for advice. He even said that he understood why I didn't feel comfortable telling VeganDate that there was no way I'd ever start dating him again.

Jeff isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm really impressed with the way he handles conflict and other problems. I felt so much better after I told him everything. He's logical and reasonable... why did I ever think he wasn't as bright as I wanted? He's fabulous about seeing things through the other person's eyes. He isn't easily threatened or made insecure.

So why am I worried that he and I won't be able to compromise on religious issues?

This can't be right... can it?

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 16:03:28 GMT

You are a
Social Liberal
(66% permissive)

and an...
Economic Liberal
(18% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Socialist

Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

A time to be shallow

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 21:00:48 GMT

I make a big deal about not caring about my appearance. Clothes should be comfortable and preferably made out of organic cotton (or some other eco-friendly, tree-hugging, or fair trade material). I've been known to go a year between hair cuts. I loudly proclaim that beauty comes from within and mascara is a tool of torture.

So, because I'm amazingly consistent...

I just made an appointment with my stylist to get a haircut... and highlights. I've NEVER done anything to my hair. It's always either long with a few layers or a poodle-like bob. The color is a dark brown sprinkled with grey. (Hey, it keeps me from looking like I'm 20.)

It's not a great month budget-wise, but a co-worker suggested it and... if I'm going to get married and start covering my hair within a year... why don't I do something crazy to my hair while I have a chance?

And as for last night... Once more Jeff showed himself to be an unfailingly considerate and gentle man. He saw how tired and stressed I was... and immediately suggested we eat at the nearest restaurant (5 mins away). We picked out a couple of books at the Jewish bookstore next door and then retired to my house to watch Ushpizin. (I know.. I know.. tznius issues. I need to work on that one.) We both cried at the movie (he'd never seen it before). I adore this man. I really do. That doesn't mean I think I should marry him... but he really is fabulous.

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 19:27:20 GMT

You are a Romantic Realist

Okay, so you fall in the middle.
You know that love isn't like a greeting card...
Yet you can always find a greeting card to describe your feelings.

You are the best of both worlds
Girly yet independent, dreamy yet serious.
Almost any guy can find balance with you.

Are You a Romantic or Realistic?

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 19:24:22 GMT

You Are Right Brained In Love

Bit of a drama queen
Peacemaker, first to end a fight
Good at thinking up creative dates
Tend to fall in love and get hurt easily
Going with your gut instead of your head
Emphathetic and caring, sometimes to a fault
Good at recognizing patterns in relationships
Been in love many times, perhaps too many to count
Wildly passionate and intense when falling in love
Spontaneous with relationships, going with the flow
Overly visual - can play back past dates like movies in your mind
Roses, love poems, and stuffed animals are a good start to winning your heart

Are You Right Brained or Left Brained in Love?

problem solving

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 21:22:04 GMT

A huge portion of every date is spent driving. He wants to drive up to Baltimore or out to Columbia. He doesn't think this is a problem. It's time spent together and we can talk. Besides, he loves driving.

I, on the other hand, hate driving. I have a three hour round trip commute every day. I do NOT want to spend another 1.5 to 2 hours in the car. We can't spend much time at my house because of tznius issues. He doesn't seem interested in catching a local movie or hanging out at the local Starbucks.

I have GOT to find something closer for us to do. I can't schedule a play because he doesn't know what his hours will be in advance. I get off work too late for us to head for the Smithsonian. Any suggestions? This is starting to drive me UP THE WALL.

I was just in Florida. This shabbos I'll be in Philly. Next shabbos I'll be in Baltimore. I am so sick of traveling.

sunshine

Sun, 11 Jun 2006 19:17:51 GMT

I'm staring out at Choctawhatchee Bay, reveling in the warm breeze and the touch of salt in the air. If you absolutely, postively must work on a Sunday, this is the way to do it. I love wireless. Dad's talking about taking the boat out later. I knew I should have brought my knitting (motor boats are unbelievably dull if you don't have something to keep your hands occupied). I wonder if the Yarn Garden is open on Sundays. That's right... I'm in the South. Nothing's open on a Sunday.

I've been in Florida less than 24 hours. They've already commented-- twice-- that this would be a perfect place for their future grandchildren to play. Sigh. :)

update

Thu, 08 Jun 2006 10:46:59 GMT

All's well that ends well, I suppose. I found someone else to room with.

Jeff and I went on a really enjoyable picnic. I think we're getting more strongly attached to each other. The trip to Ohio was fairly destructive to my back and the park benches weren't great for my back, so I spent a lot of time stretched out on the bench as we were talking. It was so relaxing. We weren't talking about anything important, not even looking at each other. It felt as if were we're sitting together with his arms wrapped around me, although there wasn't any physical contact at all. It felt so right. I told him what I was thinking and he laughed, pleased. Score one for shomer negia moments.

It's been more than 24 hours since I last saw him and, while the doubts are back, they're not nearly as strong. I feel, deep down inside, like this has a real chance of working.

relax

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 15:07:05 GMT

Today is going to be an exercise in mind over matter. I must relax. I WILL be calm, unconcerned, focused. My room share plans for the New York genealogy conference fell through. We'd agreed to share over e-mail, but then I didn't follow up with a phone call. The number had gotten buried in my inbox and, besides, I really thought she said that she'd call me. If she'd done this five days earlier, I could have canceled with only a $35 cancellation fee. :( I apologized, but I'm not going to try to get her to change her mind. I'd rather not attend than spend a week with someone who doesn't want me there.

I'm trying to contact people and see if I can make other arrangements. This trip was stretching my budget as it was. I can NOT afford to room by myself (particularly since there aren't any rooms left at the conference rate).

But... this is a good opportunity to practice being calm and not stressed. This is not life or death. The absolute worst case is that I pay the $75 cancellation fee and don't go. I've made more expensive mistakes in my life. This won't be the first time I get to miss out on a conference.

I. Will. Be. Okay.
I. Will. Not. Stress.

(Anyone in Manhattan willing to rent floor space for a week?)

questions and no answers

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 13:27:06 GMT

Do I love him? (And why can't I get Fiddler on the Roof out of my head?)

I'm going to see him again tonight. There are no questions when I'm with him; I'm just happy. The doubts don't start creeping in until I'm alone again.

Not nice...

Mon, 05 Jun 2006 13:38:58 GMT

I try to be a nice person, with varying degrees of success. I'm not doing such a good job right now. :( I'm sorry. There are several people I need to apologize too. Unfortunately the one who needs to hear it the most won't be reading this...

On the lighter side... E's graduation was a lot of fun.

Now I'm going back to indulging the money-obsessive witchy side of my personality and get back to work. Love doesn't put food on the table.

out of control

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 15:44:42 GMT

J: "I love you."
A: (no hesitation, not thinking) "I love you too."
-pause-
J: "I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
A: (unfailingly eloquent as usual and talking with instinct instead of brain) "Me too."

-later (after much lovey-dovey babble)-
J: "I guess we're unofficially engaged."

My response now that I'm back in the office and my head is a little less fuzzy: PANIC. I'm not ready for this. I haven't been engaged (unofficially or otherwise) since I was 18 and that was one h*ll of a disaster.

But he's a really wonderful guy. And the non-panicked part of me is so happy. But then the logical side buts in and points out that we've only been seeing each other three months, maybe less. YIPES!!!!!!

And it really doesn't help that Damien Rice's "Volcano" is playing in my head. Just like it did after he and I first kissed.

--UPDATE--
I just got off the phone with WorkFriend.

A: "Do you have a minute to talk? I think I did something crazy. I think I'm an idiot."
WF: "Okay. Is it serious: are you pregnant?"
A: (laughs) "No."
WF: "Are you dying?"
A: (more giggles) "No."
WF: "Is something going to explode?"
A: "No." (I love her...)
WF: "Okay then." (drama-queen defused, we got on to the issue at hand)

WorkFriend thinks that some doubt is normal, but that I've been having nothing but doubts for a few weeks now. She said that I have to tell him that I'm not ready to be engaged. I'm not even comfortable using the "L" word when talking about him to my friends. She's right. I've left a message on his cell for him to call me. Hopefully I'll be able to talk to him about this before he tells anyone. I'm not taking it back. I just need some time to figure out what I feel and what I want. Is it bad to be backing out? Is it wrong to have doubts?

I'm either completely pathetic...

Wed, 31 May 2006 23:57:34 GMT

Jeff was going to stop by around lunch time with some chicken soup. He canceled because he started to get feverish and dizzy. Then he called about a half an hour ago and said he was coming over with dinner and a movie to watch. I tried to talk him out of it because he shouldn't be driving while he has this... whatever this horrible thing is that I gave him. Random bouts of dizziness and nausea do not make for safe driving. He's adamant and now I'm literally bouncing up and down with happiness that I'm going to see him this week.

I'm either completely pathetic, or in love. He is such a sweet man.

thinking out loud

Wed, 31 May 2006 22:14:55 GMT

I found a link to Ahuva-Thinks on a list of Orthodox blogs. This made me pause for a couple of reasons. First, I'm not orthodox (yet). And secondly, I haven't done much to hide my identity here. I haven't said anything wrong... but I don't know how Jeff would take it if he saw some of the things I wrote about him. He knows that I blog about us and that I'll give him the URL to both my blogs if/when it gets to the point of marriage. I believe in full disclosure. I always have.

I'm still trying to figure out where things are going with him. I'm very fond of him and the chemistry is fabulous. And he thinks that he's following in love with me. I'm halfway to being in love with him myself. He wouldn't give me the life I thought I wanted, but he's a good man.

He has a friend who is having marital problems. She's less religious than her husband and he's underemployed and isn't able to really contribute to the family finances. Sound familiar? Jeff and I have talked a lot about their situation and how it relates to us. Jeff doesn't think that we would have the same problems because we approach conflict differently. Jeff has turned out to be fairly open-minded when it comes to specific situations. Last week, I pulled out my Christina Rosetti and read "Goblin Market" to him. I asked him what age he thought would be appropriate for children to read it. He said 10. I was pretty surprised. He doesn't want his children to read the Narnia books (ever), but he thinks the sexual overtones in "Goblin Market" are fine for a ten year old. His response was that the message of the poem (promoting sisterhood, loyalty, and chastity) was important, that children not mature enough for the message wouldn't understand the allusions anyway, etc. He also said he has less of a problem with anything that's considered "literature."

It seems like he's more strict in his views when something is an abstract concept then when I actually show him an example. Maybe there's nothing to worry about after all. He doesn't think there will be a problem...

I think I also got my point across that the mundane financial details are important to me. I'm trying to envision what my life would be like with him... and that includes merging credit reports, debts, etc. I told him that what bothered me wasn't that he doesn't have a good career now but rather that he doesn't seem to have a clear vision of what he wants. He seems to be concentrating on the Ph.D. path now. I asked him if he would be willing to consider taking care of children and going to school full time as his "career" for the next 6-to-however-many-years. He said he would, so that made me pretty happy. I don't mind the idea of being the breadwinner, but I don't have it in me to listen to him carp about a job he hates that brings in peanuts and forces us to put our children in daycare. If he's doing something that he is passionate about, I won't complain about the paycheck or daycare... but there has to be something beyond "I am the man and must work long hours to make money" idiocy.

His major concern in the relationship is that I don't trust him. Trust is hard for me for a number of reasons I haven't gotten into before. There isn't really much I can offer to comfort him on that front. Time will tell how much I grow to trust him and if it's enough for him. That may be part of the reason he isn't turning to me. He told me today that he had been waiting for some money to come in before he registered for classes this summer. Now it's too late for him to register for the classes he'd planned on taking, so he's figuring out alternative plans. I could have given him the money. I would have given it to him-- not because we're dating, but because he's a good man and my friend. But he didn't ask me. He didn't tell me about it until it was too late. I don't fully trust him, but maybe he doesn't fully trust me either.

Jeff and I also talked about the way we pick synagogues. I like going to places that are close to where I envision myself ending up. He said he likes places that are farther to the right than he is (or ever will be). I can't tell you how relieved I was when he said that. We're planning on another Baltimore shabbos in a few weeks. He's talking about going to some different shuls so he can show me what else is around there and talk about it.

We're both going to have a lot of down time to think about these issues. He kissed me last week (even knowing I was sick) and now he's sick too. I wish I was feeling well enough to bring him some chicken soup. I really should use this as proof that we need to work harder on being shomer negia, but all I can think of is that I'm sick and I want him to put his arms around me and comfort me. How selfish is that?

Well, it's the end of the day. I hope I've almost beaten this thing. I need to be in the office early tomorrow. And then I'm off to celebrate my cousin's graduation.

update

Wed, 31 May 2006 14:01:59 GMT

Sorry I haven't been writing much. I've been really sick. My best guess is that I completely ran my body down and something caught up with me. I was out sick on Thursday and dragged myself (somehow) in to the office on Friday. I spent Saturday and Sunday sleeping (missing a wedding). Monday I was doing a little better and got a ride over to WorkFriend's house so I could participate in the finale for our Star Wars game. I was doing a little worse yesterday, but made it into the office. Now I'm down for the count again. Thankfully there's work I can do from home today, so I don't have to use any more sick leave.

Where do I put in my request for a new body? On the bright side, my cat is very happy with all the quality time.